Overwhelmed.

About 3 weeks ago, we happened to drive up on a wreck that had just occurred.  As my driver got out of the car, I saw someone put a piece of material over a young man lying on the ground. He was the driver of the horse cart that was involved in the wreck..the horsecart that a bus ran into.  My driver looked over at a woman, and asked, "Is he dead?" She let us know that he was. 

At that time, I didn't really know what kind of emotions to feel. It's a strange thing when you're confronted with death like that. So, I tried not to dwell on it..to push it to the far recesses of my mind.

However, today, I went out to a village where some of our team members are living. As we loaded on a horsecart to go look at fields.-as I laughed with the young man driving the horsecart-as I saw him interact with his mother and the friends that surrounded him, I was reminded of the wreck and the young man lying there on the ground. At a certain moment today, the man from the wreck suddenly took on a personality in my mind. The young man from the wreck, who I don't even know his name, had a family. He left a village somewhere that morning, maybe hoping to get back to eat his mother's ceeb-u-jen for lunch.

I've seen death in the States, and I've even had a number of close family members die in the past couple of years. However, I knew where they stood regarding eternity. During these moments how do you utter words of comfort, when you're struggling with the words to say yourself? And, as I think about the people here, I am just plain overwhelmed. The task seems so big looking at it from this angle.

Please lift up this team, and this town, and these people we are trying our hardest to show love to everyday. Ask that in the moments we seem overwhelmed, we realize there are so many more players involved, who are right there in the game with us.

Thank you for being a part of this journey. For your daily encouragement. For putting up with me in the times where I don't communicate because it's so hard to put into words the things I desire to communicate. Your commitment to the people I see everyday amazes me, and I am truly thankful for you.

Inadequate.

Do you ever feel like your words just aren't enough. 

Like that time you hung out at the Coliseum.

You can't properly describe a day like this.

Or the first time you just knew living overseas would be in your future.

  How do you even begin to explain that feeling? To tell people you aren't crazy?

Then, there are the moments you try to put your faith into words. The moments where you try to describe the one thing that means more to you in the world. The moment where you know the person on the other side of the table is absolutely clueless about the Truth-and your words just won't come. 

Where do I even start to describe a relationship that has been at work in me since I was 7 years old?  Most everyone I come into contact with in America has at least some clue as to who the Son is, and they believe He is who He says He is. However, in my day to day life here, I am surrounded by people who have no clue...and even if they have a desire to know, the world around them chokes that out. 

See, the thing is, I can't do my faith justice with my words. One thing I'm having to realize is my words alone do absolutely nothing.  I'm not the one working on their hearts. No, I am just one of the instruments being used in the process of the Father calling them to Himself.

This is hard for me to realize, though. In the times where I state what I think and a girl immediately leaves my house. This is hard in the times where my friend keeps telling me about his religious leader, and I struggle with finding the right words to tell him that there is One so much more powerful than this man-One who is relentlessly seeking after his heart. After these moments occur, I'm left thinking, "What could I have said differently? Should I have held back, said more?" Thoughts of inadequacy fill my head and my heart.

Last night, after a day full of these interactions, I was reading in 1 Corinthians.  In Chapter 2, verses 1-5, Paul is saying that He did not come to them with lofty speech or wisdom, but he knew only one thing-Jesus Christ, and him crucified. It goes on to say that he came to them in weakness and fear and much trembling, but he acted in demonstration of the Spirit. From Acts I know that this is after Paul went to Athens-after he argued at the Areopagus. He went to Athens, and he did discuss with the wise men of the city, trying to prove Christ. However, very few took what he said to heart. So, when he gets to Corinth, he knows that a man does not change by his words alone, but by the power of the Spirit.

I'm so thankful that in these moments, I don't have to rely on my words. My words are inadequate. I am inadequate, but I have One living in me who is so much more than I could ever say in my flesh. I am weak. I am full of fear. I do have much trembling, but the One living in me is Powerful, and He is already the Victor. He created each and every one I have a conversation with, and He loves them more than I ever could. I could never do Him justice, but I'm not alone. I have Him working in me, and for this I am so overjoyed. I did not come to start a work, but to join in His. He was working in these people's hearts, and He will continue working after I am gone. For now, though, I am finding joy in my weakness, and thanking Him that He is allowing me to be a small instrument in His great work.

Language Quirks

Remember that time I went some kind of time without blogging. Life changes while living on a crazy continent will do that to you sometimes. However, I'm back-and I am excited to announce something...

This month I ended language class! For the past 11 months I have been in class, learning an African dialect, Monday through Friday. Needless to say, A LOT of information has been packed into this head of mine. As strange as a different language can be sometimes, there are so many things I love about this language. Here are a few things I still laugh about..

Waaw.

I'll start simple. The way to say "yes" here is saying, "waaw." This is pronounced "wow." If you're really agreeing with someone, you say, "waaw, waaw." Try it out..it's fun.

Degguma Toubab.

Toubab is the name for white people here. Most of the white people seen here are French tourists. So these people are smart, and they put 2 and 2 together. They see a white person-think they are from France-start speaking French to them. There's only a small flaw in their system. Not every white person is French-Enter Americans. So, when they start speaking French to me, I have to say "Degguma France." which means"I don't understand French." OR, my favorite, you can say, "Degguma Toubab," which literally translates, "I don't understand white people." I mean, I guess the longer I live among the people here, the more true that becomes. However, sometimes I like to think I can still think in full English sentences.

Greetings.

Here is just a normal set of greetings, literally translated for your enjoyment.

Question: "How are you?"

Answer: "I am here."

Q: "How is your family there?"

A: "They are there?"

Q: "How is the morning?"

A: "The morning is here only."

Q: "How is your body?"

A: "Peace Only."

Then you are allowed to start normal conversation. I always feel like I'm getting quizzed when I greet someone. My passing rate is increasing, though, the longer I live here.

Yalla bind assaman ak seuf.

 I was listening to someone tell the story of Creation, and they said this line. Literally translated, it means, "God wrote the sky and the sand." Maybe it's my love for literature and reading, but I find it so neat to think of Creation this way. God wrote the sand and the sky into existence. Isn't that beautiful to think?

Mbooki

"Mbooki" is the word for hyena. I don't care how many times I say this word, it will still be funny to me. You pronounce it "mmm-boo-kie." Also, last night I heard some advice from an older woman on what to do if you ever see one of these. Say "God" a lot as a way of praying, and run, run, run!

This has been such a fun language to learn, and I still get amazed every day when I understand the people around me. I am looking forward to using this language to share Truth to people who have never heard, and to hear their stories. Thank you so very much to those of you who have been lifting up my times of language!

lessons in transition

So, today I am saying a "see you later" to this little town

and these sweet people-

and I'm feeling a huge "oh snap, I'm living in the land of traffic and grocery stores and malls and toubabs (foreigners) again" because of this huge town

and these fun people.

So, basically this means I'm in the middle of another transition. However, I feel like this is a good thing. Not because I won't miss the place I've come to call home the past couple of months, but because it's given me a sense of how short my time really is here. Whenever I first came to this town in November, I knew that I would be having to leave it for a period of two and a half months come May. May seemed like forever away, though. Now it's here, and it is time to leave for a little while. Though this transition is not the easiest, there has been an abundance of lessons that I am taking away from this time.

This move is reminding me that I don't have forever living here. 

 I don't have forever to soak up the language, share life with friends, and most importantly-explain Truth in love. Two years seemed like it would never end the night I stepped off the plane, entering a culture so foreign to me. Now, I only have a little over a year left.

This move is causing me to think about expectations. 

What did I expect moving here? In what ways did I think I would be stretched and in which areas did I want to grow? In some ways life here is far exceeding my expectations. However, in other ways, I feel like I haven't been urgent enough-thinking I had all the time in the world. Speak Truth, in love, with urgency.

This move is making me trust the One who knows.

  Trusting Him in ways that are hard for me. Trusting that He loves this town more than I ever could. Trusting that He works in huge ways, though there isn't a physical presence here. Trusting that His word is going forth, and that His name is being proclaimed in the intimate moments that only He can orchestrate.

This move is allowing me a bigger sense of community. 

This may be an area of life that I have missed the most since being here. It is also something I took for granted in the States. So, my hope is to soak up every moment of living in community like this during the summer-whether it is in my language, or foreign languages. I am excited to be in the presence of the Great I Am, accompanied by the sweet spirit of a group of people who desire to be there as well.

Though this time is bittersweet, I am thankful for these lessons. My hope is that this time of transition will teach me to be completely in the "here and now." Not looking ahead, not yearning for the things that have happened, but be completely satisfied in the present moment.

...and if you need ANY packing tips, feel free to Skype me. I'm quite the pro at this point.

Just One

At the beginning of May I tried to blog every day with different prompts to answer some questions about how I feel about life here. However, I spent some time in a village without electricity. I also spent some time traveling for various reasons. 

But then, there was the fact that parts of this past month have just been hard. Not the kind of hard where I just want to curl up with a good cup of coffee and my mom to tell me that I can do this, but the kind where I am feeling the weight of this journey. I am feeling heartbreak over people I absolutely love here. I am seeing how deceived people are, and it is completely wrecking me. There have been times this month where I see a glimmer of hope that truth is given a chance to grow, then I see the Enemy choke it out in such a way that I am left sickened over the fear that I see in people. Generations of lies. Such a huge burden that they are living with on a daily basis. I have looked into faces this month who have told me they believe what we are saying, yet they just can't give their life to it. I have looked into faces who have told me they want to know more, only to have someone hit them and tell them they can't do this. I have seen booth after booth after booth selling "home remedies" and "charms" that so many are putting their hope in for protection. This has left me with such a burden, such a sense of being overwhelmed. How do I love the masses? Where do I even start?

I start with one. That's what these past couple of weeks have shown me. 

I start with one.

 I start with the person I see as soon as I walk out of my door. I start with the little boy who is so excited to shake my hand. I start with the woman with the beautiful smile who sells vegetables, or the man who works so diligently in his tailor shop. In the masses are individual faces, individual hearts, individual souls. If I can love just one, then there is rejoicing above.

I think about the heroes of faith who have gone before. The promises they had to cling to during their times of trial and heartache, and I see how they persevered-never losing hope that God was going to do something so big they couldn't even fathom. When I hear these stories it amazes me how they traveled to lands they did not know, the faith that they prayed with, the fact that they just seemed to know in their soul that God was at work. But then I look closer and see why. They simply believed in the promise that they were told. Time and time again I see the simple faith that was woven into their daily lives. 

This past week I read in Romans, "No distrust made [Abraham] waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised."

I came here knowing what had been promised in my heart. Great things are going to be done. Yet, how easy it is to forget that when I am overwhelmed by the masses. However, this week, I am believing this promise over one. It was not told to me to go to the masses. I am told to just love who I come in contact with. However "small" I think the work is, He is doing something great. And through that one, He is reaching the masses.

life has led me where?!

So often I want to sit down and try to convey all the emotions I feel, the "adventures" that happen on a daily  basis, and the flat out exciting things that happen. However, more times than not, it is such a struggle to adequately describe all that goes on here and in my head and heart. I experience so many things on a daily basis, and I don't even know where to start. So, when I stumbled upon this, I decided that it would be something I would try. Many of the prompts are dealing with life on a personal level, but I decided to tweak it a little bit so it will be more about life here. I'm not promising to stick to a strict schedule, because let's be honest-life happens. However, I do think these "prompts" will answer many questions people have asked..or it will answer a question you didn't even know you wanted to ask. Just trying to be one step ahead of y'all!

day 1: story of your life in one paragraph. (or, how i ended up in africa)

 I always knew I loved different cultures. I loved language, reading about customs, going and experiencing anything I could that had to do about a people group different than my own. As a child, my parents really encouraged this in me by the lives that they lead. They were always the first people I saw to really reach out to people who had nothing in common with them-all for the sake of showing them Love. As I grew older, I realized I also kind of had a knack for this thing called Spanish. As I prepared for college, I was one of the crazy people who decided I wanted to be a Spanish teacher.

 Another thing that happened in college is I crossed paths with this man.

He was a director of an organization on campus, and he ended up being such an encouragement throughout my college years. One way that he "encouraged" me was suggesting telling me that I needed to get out of my comfort zone. This included spending my summers, both in the US and abroad, sharing with people that they were created for so much more than just "existing." During these summers, and my college years, my love for other people continued to grow. So, when I graduated, I knew I had to go overseas. However, because of the whole "Hey, I'm kind of good at Spanish thing," I started to prepare myself for a couple of years in Mexico. I may also be slightly addicted to any tortilla shaped object covered in cheese with a good side of chips and salsa. Anyways, through a couple of different circumstances, I knew that no matter how much I thought Mexico made sense, my heart was being drawn to West Africa. The only thing I really knew about Africa was The Lion King, so I knew coming here was going to be completely foreign in so many ways. It's so great, though, that the Father knows our hearts better than we ever could. Since coming here, I have fallen in love with the people. I know joy, not just happiness (because I promise my happy state of mind changes often over here), but true joy because I know without a doubt that this is where I'm supposed to be. It's been an incredible journey, and I'm so thankful for the people who have encouraged me in so many ways throughout this time. This has been such a special time in my life, and I know that in the scheme of life this time is short. So, for the next year or so I plan on soaking it all in, while hoping that the Love within me will continually overflow into the friendships that are continuing to form in my life on this side of the world.

but, why?

Sometimes, in the middle of a language lesson, I find myself frustrated and asking an age old question: "But, why?" 

Why do you add that "ko" in the middle of the sentence?

Why doesn't "moy" really have meaning, yet you throw that one in there?

Why do I have to say "lay" when in every other incident it's "la"?

Why? Why? Why?

*Now, if you are my father, this is where you would throw in the old "because frogs are purple" line. Don't ask me why, but that would ALWAYS shut my little 3 year old self up. I don't even want to know what kind of issues I have from lines like that throughout my childhood.

However, as time has gone on, I have found myself just accepting the little language quirks. Instead of trying to translate word for word into English, I just accept that fact that this is what the sentence says. I accept that this whole sentence means this, but if you say a small part out of the sentence it could mean something different. I accept that I can't dissect every little word and make it fit into my neat and compact little compartment to translate it into English. I may not fully understand everything going on...and that's ok.

Sometimes, I find myself viewing the culture in the same way. It's crazy how much of where we grew up shapes our world view-even when we're not surrounded by our "home culture" anymore. Sometimes it can be difficult to assimilate into other cultures because you're holding onto the way things are done in the place where you feel comfortable. Things should be done a certain way because that's just how you do it. Onions should be cut on a cutting board. Why? Because that's how my mom taught me. You should call someone before you go to their house to visit. Why? Because in America, that's what you do. Whenever you talk to someone from customer service for a problem, you should get an answer right then. Why? Because that's just how it's done. But, where is it done that way? In America? Does it really have to work that way everywhere? I'm finding out more and more that the answer to that is "no." It does not have to work that way everywhere. Although that's the sometimes frustrating part, it's the beautiful part. It's the part that makes our cultures different. It's the part that makes each person and place and country unique. I may not see things as being done the "best" way here, but they are content with it. 

I'm also finding out more and more that they think our culture is crazy.

 "People eat everything fried there?" 

"You have to call, and most of the time have an agenda, to go visit at someone's house?"
"You can drive through a restaurant??" 

The thing is, I can't fit this culture into my American mindset, and I shouldn't. Yes, this culture is different, but that's the good thing about it. In my short 7 months here, I have realized that I need to stop trying to dissect everything they do, and just accept it for who they are. I'm not here to change their culture, I'm here to show them Love-to tell them about a Truth that came for every culture. He didn't come to change cultures, he came to change hearts. Just like in my language, I need to accept the whole. Yes, it's ok to ask why, but don't get frustrated with the answer. Don't compare everything to back home. This isn't America. This is a country full of beautiful people. This is a country that values family. This is a country that has a certain hospitality you don't see everywhere.

I say this knowing that I will still probably get frustrated when my internet stops working for the 100th time. Or when my electricity goes out. Or when the taxi driver tries to charge me an exorbitant amount, just to haggle it down to a price we're both satisfied with. But I'm hoping that during these times I'll remember the good visits, the times to drink attaya, and the sweet friends are a part of this place too.

After all, this American needs to learn a few things from them, too.